Let Me Out of Here!

When Your Darkest Secrets Come Out.

I believe that everyone has a secret to some extent. As to whether that secret is ‘dark’ is another matter. That is up to the individual.

When my secret eventually came out, I was ill prepared for the response. I’d known for the best part of my life that I was sexually attracted to both sexes but I kept it hidden for as long as I could. I now know that I had been aware than something was different about me at the age of 8. I used to borrow my bother’s porn magazines and I masturbated. Maybe that fact could be said to be a dark secret (more about this can be read in one of my earlier articles, The Differences between Erotica and Pornography.)

I originally thought that that side of me had come about at the age of 18 when I first lost my virginity. Then, I had been close to another female for the first time in my life.

During school years when most female bisexuals have their first lesbian encounter, I had been alone and had no close friends to confide or experience anything with. I fancied boys, though but I never had a boyfriend. My first proper (i.e. sexual relations) encounter with a female then occurred when I was 30 years of age, just six years ago.

When the fact that I was sexually attracted to another female did come out, it was one of the worst moments of my life. I admit that I made a mistake then but not in regards to my sexuality. That was, without question, true. No, I made the mistake of getting the timing wrong. Not only was I already in a relationship with a man, but that man was extremely homophobic. It took me some years before I figured that one out. Maybe his reaction to my indiscretions at this time, gave me a clue!

Aside from this, I already knew for many years that my parents weren’t exactly liberal; I knew that they weren’t accepting of those who were sexually different, which was why I kept the secret hidden for so long.

So, what exactly did happen when my secret finally reared its ugly head?

Around the age of 25, I had a very strong desire to experience sexual relations with another woman. This wasn’t the first time that these desires had surfaced and I eventually came to know them personally as ‘having a horn on.’

So, I had this ‘horn on’ and was feeling very neglected in a sexual sense. I’m not one of the lucky females that can orgasm through intercourse so the only way I can do so is by masturbation or oral sex. As oral sex was not forthcoming (my man was a ‘wham, bam, thank you mam, kind of guy), I was left feeling decidedly turned on. Ahem.

As my friends were non existent, something which had followed me from school, I had no contact with anyone that could possibly help me in this area. I worked as a domestic cleaner at this time and my jobs were mainly for people who worked during the day or were elderly. Hence, no social life.

Anyway, I thought of one way I could possibly get in touch with the same problem as me: Loot. A free classified ad paper that listed everything from new and old merchandise to personal ads. Perfect, I thought! I could search the listings in private and make contact with someone who sounded good. My partner was working nights for awhile so I grasped the opportunity to write to one ad listing. A female in Bristol who described her self as Bi-curious. Although Bristol was a fair away from me at the time, it was close enough to be accessible if need be.

Well, it worked! We met up in a pub just down the road from me after writing to one another for a few weeks. We got on well and she suggested that I followed her back to Bristol on my motorbike while she drove home. That’s when I got cold feet. I couldn’t risk the journey because although I was alone, I didn’t like to think what would have happened if my partner had returned home from work early and I wasn’t there. How on earth could I explain myself? So, I made the excuse of having no lights. It was a shame but she understood. Or, so I believed.

After that, we didn’t meet up again despite her admitting that she found me attractive. She made the excuse of the distance being too great but I pointed out that she knew where I’d lived when she returned my letters so why all of a sudden was it a problem? Apart from that, she had a relative in the town where I lived whom she visited on a regular basis. Eventually she delivered a letter by hand, stating that she’d found someone else closer to home who reminded her of me.

Brilliant, I thought. But, before she delivered that last letter, my partner had found the earlier letters stashed in my bedside table. I was fool not have thrown them out when I had the chance, but, he found them and took them to my parents house and told them everything.

Of course, there was no proof that I’d actually done anything with this girl but it didn’t make any difference whatsoever. Okay, yes, I admit, I did do wrong; I tried to start a relationship with someone else whilst going out with my partner but funnily enough, that wasn’t the main problem.

To my partner, my family and his (yes, he got them involved, too), I was gay and I was trying to embark on a relationship with another girl.

This was when the problems started.

I was told when I got back from work that my partner was upset and angry with me and had left and that I should go immediately to my parent’s house and upstairs to their bedroom. There they were waiting for me; my stepfather and my mother. To cut a long story short, I ended up sitting on the floor in front of them with my face in my hands because they made me feel so ashamed of being me. I didn’t feel guilty for trying to cheat but because I was bisexual. In the end, my mother told me that she loved me regardless of who or what I was but, unfortunately, the damage had been done. I’ve never forgotten it.

With my partner’s family I was ostracised. Banned from ever setting foot inside their houses and completely ignored for months afterwards. No mention of my bisexuality was ever mentioned again not from his family or mine and I eventually stayed over at my parent’s house doped up to the eyeballs on Valium. That was how distraught I was in the end.

Awful.



So, going back to the beginning of this article:

If I didn’t have those true sexual encounters until the age of 30 (more about that later,) how did I know that I was bisexual? Well, you just do. You feel it within your heart as well as your mind and your body. It’s a part of you. You can come to this decision, too, by really sitting down and thinking about your feelings towards members of your own sex. If you think you might be bisexual, ask yourself these questions:

Could you embark on a sexual relationship with another woman/man?
Could you live together as a couple?
Would you be able to come out as a couple to your friends, family and society?
Are you only wishing to experiment with kissing and touching because you’re following a trend?
Does the thought of becoming intimate with a member of your own sex repulse you?

To me you either are or you not and I know for definite I am despite my lack of experience. It’s a big part of me and I chose to tell only those who I could really trust. I get a number of questions about my sexuality through my writing as I tend to write more about lesbian sex than I do heterosexual, but it doesn’t automatically mean that the writer is bisexual or gay. But, in this case, it’s true!

I am not ashamed of being bisexual. I am proud of the fact but at the beginning it was hard because my family is very old fashioned and do not like anything to do with sex at all. So I kept it quiet but now I think, “Who cares?” I am who I am and if anybody doesn’t like it well then it’s their problem not mine.